Day 266...
This baby is not making any moves to come out. After a week of tea, herbal pills, aromatherapy and other "methods" Dash is still sitting in my uterus pressing ever so not gently down on my pubic bone. When I went to see the midwife last Thursday the fake contractions were coming every 2 to 3 minutes and I had started cramping. This was great news as this was an indication that my body was preparing and taking steps to soften my cervix so labor could begin. So because of that she asked me to stop what I was doing in order to let my body take over since it seemed I was now well on my way. She even had a thought we could have a 4th of July Baby. Well it is 4th of July and um, well. No baby.
So how has bed-rest been? I spend most of my time in my room with the AC on drifting in and out of a coma. When I am awake I've been reading about breast feeding and trying to finish Game of Thrones. I watched the whole season of Treme on DVR. I practice breathing when the fake contractions come up and visualize my happy place. Yes I picked one. Not going to say what it is just yet, but it is such an obvious one I can't believe it took me so long to come up with it. I'm also working on a Masters in driving the hubby crazy. See, I think that he should be in bed with me all day sitting Shiva or something waiting for labor to start and then when I'm asleep going off to do whatever chore I come up with exactly how and when I want him to do it. Since I'm the one on bed-rest gestating the world's largest baby he should just smile and nod when I tell him to do something. Is that too much to ask???
Monday, July 4, 2011
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Over Thinking My Happy Place
So there are lots of things to do in order to prepare for labor and delivery. Makes me wonder what happens when babies make a surprise arrival. Especially with me being such a classic Capricorn, running through checklists and doing dry runs are soothing activities to take part in when waiting for something as life changing as the birth of a child. So we have done the hospital tours, birthing class, installed essential baby items, instituted the phone tree, packed the bag and typed up the birth plan. Now I just have to find my happy place. This is the place my birthing coach wants me to visualize when I'm breathing through my labor pain. The problem is I can't find one to use, which sounds crazy. I've had so many happy moments - graduations, my wedding day, awesome vacations, seeing the first sonogram of Dash, fun birthdays and times with family and friends etc. But for some reason I can't take just one of these many great moments to use to help me work through labor.
I know it is because I'm over thinking it. I want the thought to be perfect. Giving birth to my first child will only happen once and I want the whole experience to be perfect. But it won't be because nothing ever is. I wanted the perfect wedding day and so many things went the other way but I still wouldn't have done anything different because it was awesome and the best wedding experience I could imagine despite the silly things that went wrong. And having Dash will turn out awesome too. Things won't go exactly as planned or maybe they will. But at the end of the day I will be bringing home my little miracle and that is all that counts. I think I just need to sit down and relax (not that I should be doing much else being on bed rest) and just think about the moments that make me happy and focus. I'm already in a pretty happy place in general so really this should not be hard.
The baby will be here any day now. My midwife doesn't want me going past next week because Dash is quite large and my inflamed pelvis is not making things easier. The last three days I have been taking herbal meds and teas to make my contractions stronger and jump start dilation. So we're really just waiting. After 37 weeks, lots of dr. appointments, fun times with registries, weird body changes, crazy dreams, and insane anxieties, in the end, all we have left to do now is wait.
I know it is because I'm over thinking it. I want the thought to be perfect. Giving birth to my first child will only happen once and I want the whole experience to be perfect. But it won't be because nothing ever is. I wanted the perfect wedding day and so many things went the other way but I still wouldn't have done anything different because it was awesome and the best wedding experience I could imagine despite the silly things that went wrong. And having Dash will turn out awesome too. Things won't go exactly as planned or maybe they will. But at the end of the day I will be bringing home my little miracle and that is all that counts. I think I just need to sit down and relax (not that I should be doing much else being on bed rest) and just think about the moments that make me happy and focus. I'm already in a pretty happy place in general so really this should not be hard.
The baby will be here any day now. My midwife doesn't want me going past next week because Dash is quite large and my inflamed pelvis is not making things easier. The last three days I have been taking herbal meds and teas to make my contractions stronger and jump start dilation. So we're really just waiting. After 37 weeks, lots of dr. appointments, fun times with registries, weird body changes, crazy dreams, and insane anxieties, in the end, all we have left to do now is wait.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Oh The Joys Of Pregnancy
What a week!
I have been having pain in my underbelly and in my pelvis for a while now. But I was just told over and over it was ligament pain from my belly stretching and this was normal. I was told to stretch and it would go away. But Dash just kept getting bigger and bigger and the pain was getting worse. Last Tuesday I was at a networking function and had to be on my feet for over an hour. I shouldn't have gone but there is a lot of pressure at work to go to more of these and I was told - "the job description is the job description regardless if you are pregnant or not". So I went. I knew something was wrong as soon as I got home. That pain I was feeling was now shooting down my pelvis and I felt ill. Wednesday morning I dragged myself to work even though I could hardly get down the steps in the subway. By 9:30 I was in a cab headed to the ER. I was in so much pain I was in tears.
When a pregnant woman walks into the ER with pain they are sent to Labor and Delivery. The priority is to check that the baby is okay. I was hooked up to monitors where I got to hear Dash's heart beating for 6 hours (it was lovely). The other monitor was monitoring my contractions. Yes I was having them. Every 3-4 minutes. But there was no pain, just discomfort. I was not dilating but my cervix was thinning. And once again I was told the pain was ligament pain and was given lots of Tylenol and sent home.
The next day I was back at the Midwife's office and back on the monitors. The contractions were now 8 minutes apart and still no dilating so I was not in labor. A relief since it was only 35 weeks. And as for the pain she said again I need to stretch to open my pelvis and it was normal. I finally had enough and said no. This pain was not normal, it was not from the ligaments and I'm quite flexible thank you. I was upset and she finally said that it sounded like PSD and sent me to an orthopedist who specializes with pregnant women. With PSD your pelvic bones become misaligned and can get inflamed and even seperate. So off I went today and was told my pubic bone is inflamed and was placed on bed rest until I deliver. This is after finding out on Friday that the baby is going to be GINORMOUS, according to the sonogram, if I go to 40 weeks! So much for my theory that I have just been really bloated and the baby is small. Dash's heartbeat was also a little too high so I ended up on the monitors for the third day in a row. The heartbeat settled and I was sent home.
The most frustrating part about all this is that I was just being told this was normal and a part of pregnancy and "oh the joys of pregnancy, smile Natalie it's okay this is how it is." No I'm not smiling and fuck off because really I'm in pain. It was making me furious because even though this is my first pregnancy I know not being able to walk is NOT normal. I should not be in pain when I lay down to go to bed or need help to walk down steps. It was very upsetting and today when I was leaving the orthopedist's office I wanted to hug her because I felt so grateful that someone was taking me seriously and not lumping my pain in with just "the joys of pregnancy".
Anyway here we are now. I'm going to finish the week at work and go from there. Bed rest is not something I'm looking forward to. Especially since it will eat into my maternity leave so I will have less time at home with the baby. That really bothers me. I really hope Dash comes soon so that is not the case. I think I'm giving the baby a week and then I may have to start downing castor oil, walking around with a lavender and jasmin scented candle, eat spicy food for every meal and jump my husband's bones every night to kick start labor. On the bright side I'll have time to finish Game of Thrones.
I have been having pain in my underbelly and in my pelvis for a while now. But I was just told over and over it was ligament pain from my belly stretching and this was normal. I was told to stretch and it would go away. But Dash just kept getting bigger and bigger and the pain was getting worse. Last Tuesday I was at a networking function and had to be on my feet for over an hour. I shouldn't have gone but there is a lot of pressure at work to go to more of these and I was told - "the job description is the job description regardless if you are pregnant or not". So I went. I knew something was wrong as soon as I got home. That pain I was feeling was now shooting down my pelvis and I felt ill. Wednesday morning I dragged myself to work even though I could hardly get down the steps in the subway. By 9:30 I was in a cab headed to the ER. I was in so much pain I was in tears.
When a pregnant woman walks into the ER with pain they are sent to Labor and Delivery. The priority is to check that the baby is okay. I was hooked up to monitors where I got to hear Dash's heart beating for 6 hours (it was lovely). The other monitor was monitoring my contractions. Yes I was having them. Every 3-4 minutes. But there was no pain, just discomfort. I was not dilating but my cervix was thinning. And once again I was told the pain was ligament pain and was given lots of Tylenol and sent home.
The next day I was back at the Midwife's office and back on the monitors. The contractions were now 8 minutes apart and still no dilating so I was not in labor. A relief since it was only 35 weeks. And as for the pain she said again I need to stretch to open my pelvis and it was normal. I finally had enough and said no. This pain was not normal, it was not from the ligaments and I'm quite flexible thank you. I was upset and she finally said that it sounded like PSD and sent me to an orthopedist who specializes with pregnant women. With PSD your pelvic bones become misaligned and can get inflamed and even seperate. So off I went today and was told my pubic bone is inflamed and was placed on bed rest until I deliver. This is after finding out on Friday that the baby is going to be GINORMOUS, according to the sonogram, if I go to 40 weeks! So much for my theory that I have just been really bloated and the baby is small. Dash's heartbeat was also a little too high so I ended up on the monitors for the third day in a row. The heartbeat settled and I was sent home.
The most frustrating part about all this is that I was just being told this was normal and a part of pregnancy and "oh the joys of pregnancy, smile Natalie it's okay this is how it is." No I'm not smiling and fuck off because really I'm in pain. It was making me furious because even though this is my first pregnancy I know not being able to walk is NOT normal. I should not be in pain when I lay down to go to bed or need help to walk down steps. It was very upsetting and today when I was leaving the orthopedist's office I wanted to hug her because I felt so grateful that someone was taking me seriously and not lumping my pain in with just "the joys of pregnancy".
Anyway here we are now. I'm going to finish the week at work and go from there. Bed rest is not something I'm looking forward to. Especially since it will eat into my maternity leave so I will have less time at home with the baby. That really bothers me. I really hope Dash comes soon so that is not the case. I think I'm giving the baby a week and then I may have to start downing castor oil, walking around with a lavender and jasmin scented candle, eat spicy food for every meal and jump my husband's bones every night to kick start labor. On the bright side I'll have time to finish Game of Thrones.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Showered With Love
I have been so caught up with work and getting my mom settled that the baby blues were starting to set in. Feelings of indifference and growing anxiety were stalling my warm fuzzies and just making me feel like it was time to stop talking about it and for Dash to just get here already. That was until...
Last Saturday my friends and family came together to shower me and Baby Dash with love and well wishes. We laughed, we cried, we danced, ate great food and played cute baby games. It was such a wonderful day and it felt so good to have so much support. Besides the wonderful gifts we received, which are very much appreciated, there was so much more to take home. It was the funny stories, the advice from those who have gone down this road before me, the feelings of real joy and love that was really the best part. These are the things I will remember and will help me feel good when everything hurts and will surround my baby when he or she gets here and be a positive force in Dash's life.
My mom even seemed to have a great time. She told me before that in Haiti they don't do showers and that when someone has a baby you just give them money. So I don't think she was really into the whole idea. But I hope after Saturday she sees how important it is to come together and celebrate a new life on the way and show the Mommy and Daddy your love and support. I think she gets that now.
So I will be forever grateful to my girlfriends who put this together. I know they worked hard and I will never be able to thank them enough. Dash will have so many great Aunties! My girlfriends are really an extension of my family. And I love that they truly can't wait to meet this little one and be a part of his or life. So thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!!
5 more weeks to go...maybe. Dash is in position and ready to go. I feel invigorated again. I feel such excitement right now. Clock is ticking!!!
Grand Entrance
Last Saturday my friends and family came together to shower me and Baby Dash with love and well wishes. We laughed, we cried, we danced, ate great food and played cute baby games. It was such a wonderful day and it felt so good to have so much support. Besides the wonderful gifts we received, which are very much appreciated, there was so much more to take home. It was the funny stories, the advice from those who have gone down this road before me, the feelings of real joy and love that was really the best part. These are the things I will remember and will help me feel good when everything hurts and will surround my baby when he or she gets here and be a positive force in Dash's life.
My mom even seemed to have a great time. She told me before that in Haiti they don't do showers and that when someone has a baby you just give them money. So I don't think she was really into the whole idea. But I hope after Saturday she sees how important it is to come together and celebrate a new life on the way and show the Mommy and Daddy your love and support. I think she gets that now.
So I will be forever grateful to my girlfriends who put this together. I know they worked hard and I will never be able to thank them enough. Dash will have so many great Aunties! My girlfriends are really an extension of my family. And I love that they truly can't wait to meet this little one and be a part of his or life. So thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!!
5 more weeks to go...maybe. Dash is in position and ready to go. I feel invigorated again. I feel such excitement right now. Clock is ticking!!!
Grand Entrance
Surrounded by love!
Daddy all Showered Out
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Promises, Promises
Dear Baby Dash,
I promise to introduce you to the real Star Wars trilogy and not the crap that George Lucas called Episodes I, II and III.
I promise to instill within you the appreciation of a good cupcake.
I promise to be your Mom first and not your friend.
I promise to take you to Haiti so you can experience it in ways I never did.
I promise to teach you the value of the spoken and written word so you can communicate in more ways than the shorthand texting you will do with your friends on whatever device there is ten years from now.
I promise that you will never want for anything and always have everything you need.
I promise to support you even if you become James the ballerina or Alice the truck driver.
I promise to let you go on study abroad if you ask.
I promise to always push you to reach your true potential.
I promise to say I Love You all the time!
I promise to embarrass you at 1st days, graduations, proms and on your wedding day with my beaming pride and joy.
I promise to put you on a roller coaster with your Father as soon as you reach the height so you're not afraid of them like me.
I promise to take pictures and video of all your firsts and fun childhood moments so you can look back at them when you're older.
And I promise to smother you from the moment I give birth to you and never let you go even though I know that one day I will have to - and I will. But you can always come home.
Love,
Mom
I promise to introduce you to the real Star Wars trilogy and not the crap that George Lucas called Episodes I, II and III.
I promise to instill within you the appreciation of a good cupcake.
I promise to be your Mom first and not your friend.
I promise to take you to Haiti so you can experience it in ways I never did.
I promise to teach you the value of the spoken and written word so you can communicate in more ways than the shorthand texting you will do with your friends on whatever device there is ten years from now.
I promise that you will never want for anything and always have everything you need.
I promise to support you even if you become James the ballerina or Alice the truck driver.
I promise to let you go on study abroad if you ask.
I promise to always push you to reach your true potential.
I promise to say I Love You all the time!
I promise to embarrass you at 1st days, graduations, proms and on your wedding day with my beaming pride and joy.
I promise to put you on a roller coaster with your Father as soon as you reach the height so you're not afraid of them like me.
I promise to take pictures and video of all your firsts and fun childhood moments so you can look back at them when you're older.
And I promise to smother you from the moment I give birth to you and never let you go even though I know that one day I will have to - and I will. But you can always come home.
Love,
Mom
Saturday, May 21, 2011
First Dream Of My Baby
The baby was born and Dash was a boy. But he was so tiny, the size of an egg actually. We were living in my mom's house in Miami and she wouldn't let me hold or care for the baby. She said that because he was so tiny and small that I didn't know what I was doing so only she would handle the baby. So I decided to go away to France on vacation with some friends since I wasn't allowed to touch my baby.
My friend told me today she thinks the dream was an expression of my anxiety with being a first time mom. That I'm probably worried that I won't know what to do. I have to agree. I have no idea what I'm doing so I'm really happy my mom will be here. This was the first dream I had about an actual baby. All my crazy pregnancy dreams have not actually involved my real baby so I wonder what other dreams will come over the next 8 weeks.
The last month has been very busy but not busy with anything baby related. Work is still what it is - crazy and stressful. So when the evenings and weekends come I turn into a vegetable in front of the TV. I have a list of things I need to do before the baby comes and it just keeps getting longer as the weeks go by. It's almost like I've hit a pregnancy wall. This happened when I was getting married. There was a point when I had wedding planning aversions and became completely turned off with planning. I stopped reading magazines, watching the shows and just didn't want to talk about it. To this day I can't watch an episode of Bridezillas without getting a lump in my throat. With my pregnancy, lately I just don't have a desire to nest or shop or prepare. And not just for the baby but for myself as well. I'm running out of regular clothes to squeeze into and need to buy some dresses for the warm weather and honestly I don't have the motivation to try anything on. The hubby and I took a little baby moon. It was really nice. We didn't think or talk about stuff that needed to get done, I didn't think about work at all and we were happy and romantic for 5 whole days! I told myself that when we got back I was going to roll up my sleeves and knock out everything before I need to be rolled around to get from point A to B. That was a week ago and here I am, Saturday night in full vegetable mode.
The baby is doing well though. Dash moves constantly. I'm supposed to keep track of movements to make sure I feel at least 10 within an hour's time. And I have to do this twice a day. Well Dash moves so much I get to 10 in less than 15 minutes. My kid already an overachiever! I can't wait to meet Dash and see what he or she looks like and see the baby kicking and moving in my arms instead of through the skin in my belly (still kinda creepy but funny to watch). I on the other hand am now officially anemic so I take these horse pills for iron. But other than that and my waddle things are moving along smoothly. 8 more weeks to go...
My friend told me today she thinks the dream was an expression of my anxiety with being a first time mom. That I'm probably worried that I won't know what to do. I have to agree. I have no idea what I'm doing so I'm really happy my mom will be here. This was the first dream I had about an actual baby. All my crazy pregnancy dreams have not actually involved my real baby so I wonder what other dreams will come over the next 8 weeks.
The last month has been very busy but not busy with anything baby related. Work is still what it is - crazy and stressful. So when the evenings and weekends come I turn into a vegetable in front of the TV. I have a list of things I need to do before the baby comes and it just keeps getting longer as the weeks go by. It's almost like I've hit a pregnancy wall. This happened when I was getting married. There was a point when I had wedding planning aversions and became completely turned off with planning. I stopped reading magazines, watching the shows and just didn't want to talk about it. To this day I can't watch an episode of Bridezillas without getting a lump in my throat. With my pregnancy, lately I just don't have a desire to nest or shop or prepare. And not just for the baby but for myself as well. I'm running out of regular clothes to squeeze into and need to buy some dresses for the warm weather and honestly I don't have the motivation to try anything on. The hubby and I took a little baby moon. It was really nice. We didn't think or talk about stuff that needed to get done, I didn't think about work at all and we were happy and romantic for 5 whole days! I told myself that when we got back I was going to roll up my sleeves and knock out everything before I need to be rolled around to get from point A to B. That was a week ago and here I am, Saturday night in full vegetable mode.
The baby is doing well though. Dash moves constantly. I'm supposed to keep track of movements to make sure I feel at least 10 within an hour's time. And I have to do this twice a day. Well Dash moves so much I get to 10 in less than 15 minutes. My kid already an overachiever! I can't wait to meet Dash and see what he or she looks like and see the baby kicking and moving in my arms instead of through the skin in my belly (still kinda creepy but funny to watch). I on the other hand am now officially anemic so I take these horse pills for iron. But other than that and my waddle things are moving along smoothly. 8 more weeks to go...
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