I was planning on writing a post about how I really hoped this baby was a girl. That I know you aren't supposed to care and to hope for a healthy baby, etc etc. But even still I wanted a girl because I wanted very much for Alice to have a sister. I wanted her to have that bond and that love that only sisters have. Well, baby #2 did turn out to be a girl. She came into the world on February 14th and was the size of James' hand. We named her Anna and we buried her with my mom and dad.
Someone told me she wasn't meant for me and that she was meant for my mom. Maybe she was, considering I was due on the 1 year anniversary of her death. Others have told me about their experiences or their sister's story or friend's ordeal. Everyone has said that it was nothing I did or didn't do and that these things just happen. My brain understands that. I nod and I agree, but when I'm alone and find my thoughts wandering my heart speaks differently. These are feelings of guilt I'm all too familiar with - a decade old conflict between my brain and my heart that I never resolved since my father died and that has hung around to watch me deal with my mother's illness and now the loss of my baby girl.
Alice is of course too young to understand what happened. She was in the room when the doctor told us and she looked at me and frowned while I cried. I swear since then she hugs me tighter. Everyday she keeps growing. She is talking and reading letters and is just the happiest baby. Her energy is amazing and being her mom keeps me sane. I look at her with so much love, but I also look at her and I mourn for what could have been another one of her - her best friend for life, her other half...
A coworker told me today that the hardest part of dealing with loss is that the whole world just keeps moving. You want it to stop and cry with you but life just keeps moving forward. I don't feel my baby moving anymore and I will never nurse her and watch her grow. The reality of this wakes me from my sleep at night and during the day makes my legs feel like I'm walking through mud. And it leaves me to wonder when I will start moving again with the world. Something my brain knows will eventually happen with time.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Saturday, October 15, 2011
The Accidental Cleavage
Let's just cut to the chase - my boobs are huge and I'm not prepared to deal with it.
I was one of those girls that didn't need to always wear a bra. Most days I could just slap on a camisole and be on my way, no extra support needed. Of course there were times I wondered what it would be like to have a bit more girth in the chest area. That's when I would reach into the back of the drawer and bust out a push up. After I got pregnant I found that I needed the extra help less and less thanks to the hormones but overall the girls remained relatively the same. I figured they would be back to normal after I had the baby.
Post delivery I shed the majority of my baby weight in the first three weeks. By the time Dash was a month old I had lost 34 of the 40 pounds I gained (I attribute the rapid shedding directly to nursing). But those last 6 or so pounds just hung on and refused to go away. Where were these meddlesome lbs sticking you ask? Just look at my face and tilt your head down to find your answer. And if it's been a while since I last fed the baby, you won't need to tilt far.
So I shouldn't be complaining right? I mean those who have bitties always want biggies so I should be thrilled. Except my wardrobe, which I was too excited to be able to fit back into so quickly, wasn't exactly d-cup friendly. This became very obvious when I went back to work and realized I was accidentally cleave-bombing my co-workers. Just the other day I was sitting in a meeting after having gotten dressed hastily that morning in the dark and realized if I shifted myself slightly to one side no one would be paying attention to what I was saying. Hmm... is that why so many guys have been telling me I look so good?
So my solution? Scarves, sweaters and layers. Tis the season anyway so I may just get away without having to spring for a new wardrobe by the time I stop nursing. But in the event these lady lumps are here to stay I will embrace my new found cleavage and look forward, not down ;)
I was one of those girls that didn't need to always wear a bra. Most days I could just slap on a camisole and be on my way, no extra support needed. Of course there were times I wondered what it would be like to have a bit more girth in the chest area. That's when I would reach into the back of the drawer and bust out a push up. After I got pregnant I found that I needed the extra help less and less thanks to the hormones but overall the girls remained relatively the same. I figured they would be back to normal after I had the baby.
Post delivery I shed the majority of my baby weight in the first three weeks. By the time Dash was a month old I had lost 34 of the 40 pounds I gained (I attribute the rapid shedding directly to nursing). But those last 6 or so pounds just hung on and refused to go away. Where were these meddlesome lbs sticking you ask? Just look at my face and tilt your head down to find your answer. And if it's been a while since I last fed the baby, you won't need to tilt far.
So I shouldn't be complaining right? I mean those who have bitties always want biggies so I should be thrilled. Except my wardrobe, which I was too excited to be able to fit back into so quickly, wasn't exactly d-cup friendly. This became very obvious when I went back to work and realized I was accidentally cleave-bombing my co-workers. Just the other day I was sitting in a meeting after having gotten dressed hastily that morning in the dark and realized if I shifted myself slightly to one side no one would be paying attention to what I was saying. Hmm... is that why so many guys have been telling me I look so good?
So my solution? Scarves, sweaters and layers. Tis the season anyway so I may just get away without having to spring for a new wardrobe by the time I stop nursing. But in the event these lady lumps are here to stay I will embrace my new found cleavage and look forward, not down ;)
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Oh Alice!
On Wednesday, July 13th, Baby Dash came into the world at 5:10pm. Shortly after that the rain came pouring down, quickly stopped and produced a radiant rainbow over the water. With the sky now clear, the stage was set for a beautiful sunset over lower Manhattan as Alice Cecile completed her first day on this Earth.
Yep, Dash turned out to be a girl! What an upset in the pool. And a big girl - 9 pounds, 7 ounces, 20.5 inches long, and a head full of soft curly dark hair! I have to say that I was bit caught off guard by her arrival. The night before I went to bed resigned to the fact that Dash was coming when he or she felt like it and I needed to let go of my anxiety. Most of it having to do with taking so much pre-baby time off work and just really feeling physically beat up. After feeling contractions and cramps for weeks I was really getting to my topping point and was begging, out loud, to the baby to come out. But on Tuesday I decided to stop and spent the day on the couch thinking about and doing nothing. I barely had any cramping that day and went to bed looking forward to seeing Harry Potter on Friday. And that's when it started...
If you're the squeamish type or don't want to read about what happened in labor you should skip the following part and scroll to the bottom where it says "squeamish part over".
At about 5am I woke up to pee, as usual. I never turn the light on when I use the bathroom at night but for some reason I felt like there was something kind of extra going on and switched it on to find drops of blood in the toilet. I wasn't having contractions so I thought this must be my "bloody show" - an early sign that labor is coming. I woke up the hubby and he told me to go back to bed and try to get some rest. But 10 minutes later I was up again because blood was now coming in a flow and I quickly went from excited to freaked. We called the midwife and she wanted to know how much blood. Since I wasn't holding a measuring cup between my legs there was no way for me to articulate how much other than to say it looked like a lot to me. So she sent us to the hospital to be evaluated.
I still wasn't having any contractions but felt that this was it. I mean why else would I be seeing so much blood?? The hubby however was holding on to the words "go be evaluated" and didn't want to admit that I may actually be in real labor. In fact he didn't even want to bring our bags or go through the check list. I had to make him do it and it was still an argument. I realize now that it was probably just nerves. By the time we got dressed I was starting to feel a lot of tightening that I thought were my pants being too snug.
Once at the hospital I was brought straight to labor and delivery to be evaluated by the OB resident. Being evaluated means getting hooked up to the monitor and then receiving an exam to check for dilation. On the monitor the contractions were there as usual about every 3-4 minutes (please note I should have come to the hospital when they were 5 minutes apart - that is if I knew I was having them), but again I wasn't in any pain just had an increasing tight crampy feeling. She then began what was the most painful internal exam I have ever experienced in my life. Apparently because the baby's head was so low it was making it very difficult to check my cervix so to get at it for an accurate read she practically had to fist me. The hubby had to hold me down and keep my eyes on him to calm me down because it felt like I was being stabbed on the inside and was in tears. This is when my 24 hours of painful poking, prodding and stabbing officially began. Once she was done torturing me (though she was very polite about it I may add) we got the news that I was 6 centimeters dilated and in full blown labor. In fact, she figured the baby would be here by lunch.
From there it was a flurry of phone calls, texts and paperwork. I was moved to another room where I was to stay to have Dash. They started a hep lock and put me on new monitors. That is when the contractions started - at this point I was starting to suspect that a lot of this process was psychological. The contractions were very manageable as I was breathing through them without a problem. That is until I tried to get up to use the bathroom. A little while back my midwife had a conversation to prepare me for the possibility that my pelvic bone issues may cause labor to be more intense and that I should be open to an epidural. I was actually thinking that I may be okay but once I took one step towards the bathroom that went out the window. The pain hit me like bat to the crotch. Three people had to help me and I vomited the whole time. By the time I got back to bed the pain was pulsating from my pubic bone to my back. It subsided after a few minutes but now the contractions that were manageable a few minutes ago were now difficult to breathe through. That is when the hubby spoke up and asked for me to get an epidural and I did not object.
While getting the epidural I had to stay completely still. This was a challenging task as I would vomit every time I sat forward or put any pressure on my pelvic bone - the position I needed to be in to get the epidural - and was now having contractions every two minutes. They gave me meds to stop the vomiting and, for what seemed like forever, I sat completely still through a battery of contractions. When it was over I was looking forward to the relief of being numbed from the waist down. Unfortunately for me that relief barely came. Initially it only worked on one side so they told me to lean on the other side so that gravity could help. So I did that and for an hour I actually felt great. I thought to myself 'Why in the world was I fighting getting an epidural?' This magic drip that I could top off myself as needed allowed me to even take a nap for an hour.
But an hour was all I would get. After that the epidural wore off completely. Pushing the button didn't work so they called the anesthesiologist back twice to give me more and that didn't work. I was feeling everything. Breathing through wasn't working, my happy place wasn't working, my focal point wasn't working...nothing was working. This was the labor pain you see on TV where the woman is cursing and yelling at everyone. And just when I thought my world was coming to an end my midwife's voice broke through and I heard her say it was time to push. It was just like my yoga instructor said - when you get to that point where you feel you can take no more, that is when it is over. 10 minutes later it was over and Alice was born. I pushed her out so fast that the my midwife and nurse barely had time to sterilize and get everything ready. I think at one point she told me to stop pushing but I ignored her because pushing stopped the pain of the contractions.
I don't actually remember everything about the pushing part. I remember looking up at one point and seeing the hubby on his phone texting a play by play to our friends and then me snapping at him to get off the phone. The last thing I remember clearly was my last push and after that there was a baby on my chest and was very confused by it. What I was told was after that last push the head came out, I reached down and grabbed the baby and pulled her up on to my chest. I asked if it was boy or girl and the hubby told me it was a girl. My wits came back then. Alice stayed on my chest for a long time while I was stitched up (think 9 pound 7 ounce baby being pushed out in 10 minutes) and cleaned up. The room looked like a crime scene.
Squeamish part over
There's also a lot post birth stuff that happens too - hence the 24 hours of painful poking, prodding and stabbing comment I made earlier. But not just to me. Every two hours poor Alice would get stuck with a needle because she was so big and they had to keep checking her glucose levels. And once I was moved to maternity I was having blood drawn, pressure taken, temperature reads and a lovely twelve hour dose of pitocin to give me more contractions to help my uterus shrink. It was truly exhausting. I could not get out of that hospital fast enough. I just wanted them to give me my baby and send me home.
Two days later when they finally did send us on our way I remember feeling apprehensive. All these thoughts were swimming in my head as I was being wheeled out of the hospital.' These people were letting me walk out with this baby.', 'Was I breastfeeding properly?', 'No one showed me how to change the diaper, are we doing it right?', 'What was it going to be like when I got home and there was no nurse to buzz?', etc etc. But as soon as I got in the car it all passed because I was just happy to be heading home.
So, I think back to last Wednesday and I remember feeling this energy in the air like you can feel the universe make space for a new life. I look at my baby now and I'm dumbfounded by how she got here and how perfect she is. If you ask me today (or tomorrow, or next week, or next Christmas...) I can't say that I would do this again but I can say that it was truly worth it. And not just labor but the whole pregnancy experience. These last 40 weeks were a drop in the bucket in the lifetime of my baby and all she will do and all she will be - I sit here in awe of Alice as I'm sure I will be for the rest of my life. These last 9 months were just my small part in getting her started.
Thanks to those of you who followed me on my baby journey. Thanks for encouraging me to keep it up and for the advice along the way. Now I'm going to take some time and enjoy my baby :)
Yep, Dash turned out to be a girl! What an upset in the pool. And a big girl - 9 pounds, 7 ounces, 20.5 inches long, and a head full of soft curly dark hair! I have to say that I was bit caught off guard by her arrival. The night before I went to bed resigned to the fact that Dash was coming when he or she felt like it and I needed to let go of my anxiety. Most of it having to do with taking so much pre-baby time off work and just really feeling physically beat up. After feeling contractions and cramps for weeks I was really getting to my topping point and was begging, out loud, to the baby to come out. But on Tuesday I decided to stop and spent the day on the couch thinking about and doing nothing. I barely had any cramping that day and went to bed looking forward to seeing Harry Potter on Friday. And that's when it started...
If you're the squeamish type or don't want to read about what happened in labor you should skip the following part and scroll to the bottom where it says "squeamish part over".
At about 5am I woke up to pee, as usual. I never turn the light on when I use the bathroom at night but for some reason I felt like there was something kind of extra going on and switched it on to find drops of blood in the toilet. I wasn't having contractions so I thought this must be my "bloody show" - an early sign that labor is coming. I woke up the hubby and he told me to go back to bed and try to get some rest. But 10 minutes later I was up again because blood was now coming in a flow and I quickly went from excited to freaked. We called the midwife and she wanted to know how much blood. Since I wasn't holding a measuring cup between my legs there was no way for me to articulate how much other than to say it looked like a lot to me. So she sent us to the hospital to be evaluated.
I still wasn't having any contractions but felt that this was it. I mean why else would I be seeing so much blood?? The hubby however was holding on to the words "go be evaluated" and didn't want to admit that I may actually be in real labor. In fact he didn't even want to bring our bags or go through the check list. I had to make him do it and it was still an argument. I realize now that it was probably just nerves. By the time we got dressed I was starting to feel a lot of tightening that I thought were my pants being too snug.
Once at the hospital I was brought straight to labor and delivery to be evaluated by the OB resident. Being evaluated means getting hooked up to the monitor and then receiving an exam to check for dilation. On the monitor the contractions were there as usual about every 3-4 minutes (please note I should have come to the hospital when they were 5 minutes apart - that is if I knew I was having them), but again I wasn't in any pain just had an increasing tight crampy feeling. She then began what was the most painful internal exam I have ever experienced in my life. Apparently because the baby's head was so low it was making it very difficult to check my cervix so to get at it for an accurate read she practically had to fist me. The hubby had to hold me down and keep my eyes on him to calm me down because it felt like I was being stabbed on the inside and was in tears. This is when my 24 hours of painful poking, prodding and stabbing officially began. Once she was done torturing me (though she was very polite about it I may add) we got the news that I was 6 centimeters dilated and in full blown labor. In fact, she figured the baby would be here by lunch.
From there it was a flurry of phone calls, texts and paperwork. I was moved to another room where I was to stay to have Dash. They started a hep lock and put me on new monitors. That is when the contractions started - at this point I was starting to suspect that a lot of this process was psychological. The contractions were very manageable as I was breathing through them without a problem. That is until I tried to get up to use the bathroom. A little while back my midwife had a conversation to prepare me for the possibility that my pelvic bone issues may cause labor to be more intense and that I should be open to an epidural. I was actually thinking that I may be okay but once I took one step towards the bathroom that went out the window. The pain hit me like bat to the crotch. Three people had to help me and I vomited the whole time. By the time I got back to bed the pain was pulsating from my pubic bone to my back. It subsided after a few minutes but now the contractions that were manageable a few minutes ago were now difficult to breathe through. That is when the hubby spoke up and asked for me to get an epidural and I did not object.
While getting the epidural I had to stay completely still. This was a challenging task as I would vomit every time I sat forward or put any pressure on my pelvic bone - the position I needed to be in to get the epidural - and was now having contractions every two minutes. They gave me meds to stop the vomiting and, for what seemed like forever, I sat completely still through a battery of contractions. When it was over I was looking forward to the relief of being numbed from the waist down. Unfortunately for me that relief barely came. Initially it only worked on one side so they told me to lean on the other side so that gravity could help. So I did that and for an hour I actually felt great. I thought to myself 'Why in the world was I fighting getting an epidural?' This magic drip that I could top off myself as needed allowed me to even take a nap for an hour.
But an hour was all I would get. After that the epidural wore off completely. Pushing the button didn't work so they called the anesthesiologist back twice to give me more and that didn't work. I was feeling everything. Breathing through wasn't working, my happy place wasn't working, my focal point wasn't working...nothing was working. This was the labor pain you see on TV where the woman is cursing and yelling at everyone. And just when I thought my world was coming to an end my midwife's voice broke through and I heard her say it was time to push. It was just like my yoga instructor said - when you get to that point where you feel you can take no more, that is when it is over. 10 minutes later it was over and Alice was born. I pushed her out so fast that the my midwife and nurse barely had time to sterilize and get everything ready. I think at one point she told me to stop pushing but I ignored her because pushing stopped the pain of the contractions.
I don't actually remember everything about the pushing part. I remember looking up at one point and seeing the hubby on his phone texting a play by play to our friends and then me snapping at him to get off the phone. The last thing I remember clearly was my last push and after that there was a baby on my chest and was very confused by it. What I was told was after that last push the head came out, I reached down and grabbed the baby and pulled her up on to my chest. I asked if it was boy or girl and the hubby told me it was a girl. My wits came back then. Alice stayed on my chest for a long time while I was stitched up (think 9 pound 7 ounce baby being pushed out in 10 minutes) and cleaned up. The room looked like a crime scene.
Squeamish part over
There's also a lot post birth stuff that happens too - hence the 24 hours of painful poking, prodding and stabbing comment I made earlier. But not just to me. Every two hours poor Alice would get stuck with a needle because she was so big and they had to keep checking her glucose levels. And once I was moved to maternity I was having blood drawn, pressure taken, temperature reads and a lovely twelve hour dose of pitocin to give me more contractions to help my uterus shrink. It was truly exhausting. I could not get out of that hospital fast enough. I just wanted them to give me my baby and send me home.
Two days later when they finally did send us on our way I remember feeling apprehensive. All these thoughts were swimming in my head as I was being wheeled out of the hospital.' These people were letting me walk out with this baby.', 'Was I breastfeeding properly?', 'No one showed me how to change the diaper, are we doing it right?', 'What was it going to be like when I got home and there was no nurse to buzz?', etc etc. But as soon as I got in the car it all passed because I was just happy to be heading home.
So, I think back to last Wednesday and I remember feeling this energy in the air like you can feel the universe make space for a new life. I look at my baby now and I'm dumbfounded by how she got here and how perfect she is. If you ask me today (or tomorrow, or next week, or next Christmas...) I can't say that I would do this again but I can say that it was truly worth it. And not just labor but the whole pregnancy experience. These last 40 weeks were a drop in the bucket in the lifetime of my baby and all she will do and all she will be - I sit here in awe of Alice as I'm sure I will be for the rest of my life. These last 9 months were just my small part in getting her started.
All smiles as the contractions start
Alice is here! And boy was I in a daze.
Daddy was on the job
Learned quick those lungs work
In case anyone thought I was kidding
A beautiful sunset for Alice
Headed home!
Monday, July 4, 2011
Yup...I'm Still Pregnant
Day 266...
This baby is not making any moves to come out. After a week of tea, herbal pills, aromatherapy and other "methods" Dash is still sitting in my uterus pressing ever so not gently down on my pubic bone. When I went to see the midwife last Thursday the fake contractions were coming every 2 to 3 minutes and I had started cramping. This was great news as this was an indication that my body was preparing and taking steps to soften my cervix so labor could begin. So because of that she asked me to stop what I was doing in order to let my body take over since it seemed I was now well on my way. She even had a thought we could have a 4th of July Baby. Well it is 4th of July and um, well. No baby.
So how has bed-rest been? I spend most of my time in my room with the AC on drifting in and out of a coma. When I am awake I've been reading about breast feeding and trying to finish Game of Thrones. I watched the whole season of Treme on DVR. I practice breathing when the fake contractions come up and visualize my happy place. Yes I picked one. Not going to say what it is just yet, but it is such an obvious one I can't believe it took me so long to come up with it. I'm also working on a Masters in driving the hubby crazy. See, I think that he should be in bed with me all day sitting Shiva or something waiting for labor to start and then when I'm asleep going off to do whatever chore I come up with exactly how and when I want him to do it. Since I'm the one on bed-rest gestating the world's largest baby he should just smile and nod when I tell him to do something. Is that too much to ask???
This baby is not making any moves to come out. After a week of tea, herbal pills, aromatherapy and other "methods" Dash is still sitting in my uterus pressing ever so not gently down on my pubic bone. When I went to see the midwife last Thursday the fake contractions were coming every 2 to 3 minutes and I had started cramping. This was great news as this was an indication that my body was preparing and taking steps to soften my cervix so labor could begin. So because of that she asked me to stop what I was doing in order to let my body take over since it seemed I was now well on my way. She even had a thought we could have a 4th of July Baby. Well it is 4th of July and um, well. No baby.
So how has bed-rest been? I spend most of my time in my room with the AC on drifting in and out of a coma. When I am awake I've been reading about breast feeding and trying to finish Game of Thrones. I watched the whole season of Treme on DVR. I practice breathing when the fake contractions come up and visualize my happy place. Yes I picked one. Not going to say what it is just yet, but it is such an obvious one I can't believe it took me so long to come up with it. I'm also working on a Masters in driving the hubby crazy. See, I think that he should be in bed with me all day sitting Shiva or something waiting for labor to start and then when I'm asleep going off to do whatever chore I come up with exactly how and when I want him to do it. Since I'm the one on bed-rest gestating the world's largest baby he should just smile and nod when I tell him to do something. Is that too much to ask???
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Over Thinking My Happy Place
So there are lots of things to do in order to prepare for labor and delivery. Makes me wonder what happens when babies make a surprise arrival. Especially with me being such a classic Capricorn, running through checklists and doing dry runs are soothing activities to take part in when waiting for something as life changing as the birth of a child. So we have done the hospital tours, birthing class, installed essential baby items, instituted the phone tree, packed the bag and typed up the birth plan. Now I just have to find my happy place. This is the place my birthing coach wants me to visualize when I'm breathing through my labor pain. The problem is I can't find one to use, which sounds crazy. I've had so many happy moments - graduations, my wedding day, awesome vacations, seeing the first sonogram of Dash, fun birthdays and times with family and friends etc. But for some reason I can't take just one of these many great moments to use to help me work through labor.
I know it is because I'm over thinking it. I want the thought to be perfect. Giving birth to my first child will only happen once and I want the whole experience to be perfect. But it won't be because nothing ever is. I wanted the perfect wedding day and so many things went the other way but I still wouldn't have done anything different because it was awesome and the best wedding experience I could imagine despite the silly things that went wrong. And having Dash will turn out awesome too. Things won't go exactly as planned or maybe they will. But at the end of the day I will be bringing home my little miracle and that is all that counts. I think I just need to sit down and relax (not that I should be doing much else being on bed rest) and just think about the moments that make me happy and focus. I'm already in a pretty happy place in general so really this should not be hard.
The baby will be here any day now. My midwife doesn't want me going past next week because Dash is quite large and my inflamed pelvis is not making things easier. The last three days I have been taking herbal meds and teas to make my contractions stronger and jump start dilation. So we're really just waiting. After 37 weeks, lots of dr. appointments, fun times with registries, weird body changes, crazy dreams, and insane anxieties, in the end, all we have left to do now is wait.
I know it is because I'm over thinking it. I want the thought to be perfect. Giving birth to my first child will only happen once and I want the whole experience to be perfect. But it won't be because nothing ever is. I wanted the perfect wedding day and so many things went the other way but I still wouldn't have done anything different because it was awesome and the best wedding experience I could imagine despite the silly things that went wrong. And having Dash will turn out awesome too. Things won't go exactly as planned or maybe they will. But at the end of the day I will be bringing home my little miracle and that is all that counts. I think I just need to sit down and relax (not that I should be doing much else being on bed rest) and just think about the moments that make me happy and focus. I'm already in a pretty happy place in general so really this should not be hard.
The baby will be here any day now. My midwife doesn't want me going past next week because Dash is quite large and my inflamed pelvis is not making things easier. The last three days I have been taking herbal meds and teas to make my contractions stronger and jump start dilation. So we're really just waiting. After 37 weeks, lots of dr. appointments, fun times with registries, weird body changes, crazy dreams, and insane anxieties, in the end, all we have left to do now is wait.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Oh The Joys Of Pregnancy
What a week!
I have been having pain in my underbelly and in my pelvis for a while now. But I was just told over and over it was ligament pain from my belly stretching and this was normal. I was told to stretch and it would go away. But Dash just kept getting bigger and bigger and the pain was getting worse. Last Tuesday I was at a networking function and had to be on my feet for over an hour. I shouldn't have gone but there is a lot of pressure at work to go to more of these and I was told - "the job description is the job description regardless if you are pregnant or not". So I went. I knew something was wrong as soon as I got home. That pain I was feeling was now shooting down my pelvis and I felt ill. Wednesday morning I dragged myself to work even though I could hardly get down the steps in the subway. By 9:30 I was in a cab headed to the ER. I was in so much pain I was in tears.
When a pregnant woman walks into the ER with pain they are sent to Labor and Delivery. The priority is to check that the baby is okay. I was hooked up to monitors where I got to hear Dash's heart beating for 6 hours (it was lovely). The other monitor was monitoring my contractions. Yes I was having them. Every 3-4 minutes. But there was no pain, just discomfort. I was not dilating but my cervix was thinning. And once again I was told the pain was ligament pain and was given lots of Tylenol and sent home.
The next day I was back at the Midwife's office and back on the monitors. The contractions were now 8 minutes apart and still no dilating so I was not in labor. A relief since it was only 35 weeks. And as for the pain she said again I need to stretch to open my pelvis and it was normal. I finally had enough and said no. This pain was not normal, it was not from the ligaments and I'm quite flexible thank you. I was upset and she finally said that it sounded like PSD and sent me to an orthopedist who specializes with pregnant women. With PSD your pelvic bones become misaligned and can get inflamed and even seperate. So off I went today and was told my pubic bone is inflamed and was placed on bed rest until I deliver. This is after finding out on Friday that the baby is going to be GINORMOUS, according to the sonogram, if I go to 40 weeks! So much for my theory that I have just been really bloated and the baby is small. Dash's heartbeat was also a little too high so I ended up on the monitors for the third day in a row. The heartbeat settled and I was sent home.
The most frustrating part about all this is that I was just being told this was normal and a part of pregnancy and "oh the joys of pregnancy, smile Natalie it's okay this is how it is." No I'm not smiling and fuck off because really I'm in pain. It was making me furious because even though this is my first pregnancy I know not being able to walk is NOT normal. I should not be in pain when I lay down to go to bed or need help to walk down steps. It was very upsetting and today when I was leaving the orthopedist's office I wanted to hug her because I felt so grateful that someone was taking me seriously and not lumping my pain in with just "the joys of pregnancy".
Anyway here we are now. I'm going to finish the week at work and go from there. Bed rest is not something I'm looking forward to. Especially since it will eat into my maternity leave so I will have less time at home with the baby. That really bothers me. I really hope Dash comes soon so that is not the case. I think I'm giving the baby a week and then I may have to start downing castor oil, walking around with a lavender and jasmin scented candle, eat spicy food for every meal and jump my husband's bones every night to kick start labor. On the bright side I'll have time to finish Game of Thrones.
I have been having pain in my underbelly and in my pelvis for a while now. But I was just told over and over it was ligament pain from my belly stretching and this was normal. I was told to stretch and it would go away. But Dash just kept getting bigger and bigger and the pain was getting worse. Last Tuesday I was at a networking function and had to be on my feet for over an hour. I shouldn't have gone but there is a lot of pressure at work to go to more of these and I was told - "the job description is the job description regardless if you are pregnant or not". So I went. I knew something was wrong as soon as I got home. That pain I was feeling was now shooting down my pelvis and I felt ill. Wednesday morning I dragged myself to work even though I could hardly get down the steps in the subway. By 9:30 I was in a cab headed to the ER. I was in so much pain I was in tears.
When a pregnant woman walks into the ER with pain they are sent to Labor and Delivery. The priority is to check that the baby is okay. I was hooked up to monitors where I got to hear Dash's heart beating for 6 hours (it was lovely). The other monitor was monitoring my contractions. Yes I was having them. Every 3-4 minutes. But there was no pain, just discomfort. I was not dilating but my cervix was thinning. And once again I was told the pain was ligament pain and was given lots of Tylenol and sent home.
The next day I was back at the Midwife's office and back on the monitors. The contractions were now 8 minutes apart and still no dilating so I was not in labor. A relief since it was only 35 weeks. And as for the pain she said again I need to stretch to open my pelvis and it was normal. I finally had enough and said no. This pain was not normal, it was not from the ligaments and I'm quite flexible thank you. I was upset and she finally said that it sounded like PSD and sent me to an orthopedist who specializes with pregnant women. With PSD your pelvic bones become misaligned and can get inflamed and even seperate. So off I went today and was told my pubic bone is inflamed and was placed on bed rest until I deliver. This is after finding out on Friday that the baby is going to be GINORMOUS, according to the sonogram, if I go to 40 weeks! So much for my theory that I have just been really bloated and the baby is small. Dash's heartbeat was also a little too high so I ended up on the monitors for the third day in a row. The heartbeat settled and I was sent home.
The most frustrating part about all this is that I was just being told this was normal and a part of pregnancy and "oh the joys of pregnancy, smile Natalie it's okay this is how it is." No I'm not smiling and fuck off because really I'm in pain. It was making me furious because even though this is my first pregnancy I know not being able to walk is NOT normal. I should not be in pain when I lay down to go to bed or need help to walk down steps. It was very upsetting and today when I was leaving the orthopedist's office I wanted to hug her because I felt so grateful that someone was taking me seriously and not lumping my pain in with just "the joys of pregnancy".
Anyway here we are now. I'm going to finish the week at work and go from there. Bed rest is not something I'm looking forward to. Especially since it will eat into my maternity leave so I will have less time at home with the baby. That really bothers me. I really hope Dash comes soon so that is not the case. I think I'm giving the baby a week and then I may have to start downing castor oil, walking around with a lavender and jasmin scented candle, eat spicy food for every meal and jump my husband's bones every night to kick start labor. On the bright side I'll have time to finish Game of Thrones.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Showered With Love
I have been so caught up with work and getting my mom settled that the baby blues were starting to set in. Feelings of indifference and growing anxiety were stalling my warm fuzzies and just making me feel like it was time to stop talking about it and for Dash to just get here already. That was until...
Last Saturday my friends and family came together to shower me and Baby Dash with love and well wishes. We laughed, we cried, we danced, ate great food and played cute baby games. It was such a wonderful day and it felt so good to have so much support. Besides the wonderful gifts we received, which are very much appreciated, there was so much more to take home. It was the funny stories, the advice from those who have gone down this road before me, the feelings of real joy and love that was really the best part. These are the things I will remember and will help me feel good when everything hurts and will surround my baby when he or she gets here and be a positive force in Dash's life.
My mom even seemed to have a great time. She told me before that in Haiti they don't do showers and that when someone has a baby you just give them money. So I don't think she was really into the whole idea. But I hope after Saturday she sees how important it is to come together and celebrate a new life on the way and show the Mommy and Daddy your love and support. I think she gets that now.
So I will be forever grateful to my girlfriends who put this together. I know they worked hard and I will never be able to thank them enough. Dash will have so many great Aunties! My girlfriends are really an extension of my family. And I love that they truly can't wait to meet this little one and be a part of his or life. So thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!!
5 more weeks to go...maybe. Dash is in position and ready to go. I feel invigorated again. I feel such excitement right now. Clock is ticking!!!
Grand Entrance
Last Saturday my friends and family came together to shower me and Baby Dash with love and well wishes. We laughed, we cried, we danced, ate great food and played cute baby games. It was such a wonderful day and it felt so good to have so much support. Besides the wonderful gifts we received, which are very much appreciated, there was so much more to take home. It was the funny stories, the advice from those who have gone down this road before me, the feelings of real joy and love that was really the best part. These are the things I will remember and will help me feel good when everything hurts and will surround my baby when he or she gets here and be a positive force in Dash's life.
My mom even seemed to have a great time. She told me before that in Haiti they don't do showers and that when someone has a baby you just give them money. So I don't think she was really into the whole idea. But I hope after Saturday she sees how important it is to come together and celebrate a new life on the way and show the Mommy and Daddy your love and support. I think she gets that now.
So I will be forever grateful to my girlfriends who put this together. I know they worked hard and I will never be able to thank them enough. Dash will have so many great Aunties! My girlfriends are really an extension of my family. And I love that they truly can't wait to meet this little one and be a part of his or life. So thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!!
5 more weeks to go...maybe. Dash is in position and ready to go. I feel invigorated again. I feel such excitement right now. Clock is ticking!!!
Grand Entrance
Surrounded by love!
Daddy all Showered Out
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